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Meat Emporium at Tobacco Dock

25/10/16

Come and see our hand-reared, free-range human cattle grazing in lovely green pastures, with plenty of space to play. Speak to Greg, our farmer, and he’ll tell you all about the healthy and active lifestyle these happy humans lead before it’s time to make their way to the slaughterhouse, or as we like to call it, The Promised Land.

The Promised Land may, at first sight, look rather unwelcoming, what with the carcasses hanging from the walls, and the various killing instruments on display, and the clinical plastic sheeting that covers the floor. But rest assured this is a happy place for our animals. They are heavily drugged as they make their way to The Promised Land, so all they experience is a whirlwind of psychedelic colour and sound, and only moderate pain.

While we cannot guarantee that splatters of blood won’t be seen, we promise any unsightly mess will be cleared away as soon as possible. Sick bags will be available for anyone with a weak disposition.

Our master butcher, Mr Sawney, will be on hand to guide you through all the wonderful cuts and meat products we have on offer – jellied eyeballs, candied colon, prime cuts of toddler backside, lady breast, rich slices of pensioner paunch, fresh baby brains (full of omega-3), sperm soup, strawberry flavoured capillaries, toffee knuckles, frozen scrotum, stuffed man sausage, sautéed snatch and so on…

Sawney is gifted with the quick-witted patter and charm of a true showman – he is a veritable ringmaster in this carnival of cannibalism. Come and see him demonstrating his skills as a butcher, showing where the finest cuts can be found.

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